Miss Nance

Miss Nance

Played by:  Diane Civita

Seen in episodes:  All except 13

Mentioned in episode:  13

Occupation:  Secretary (Billy’s)

Miss Nance is Billy's secretary at Humanidyne. She's diligent and meticulous and takes her job very seriously – always paying close and careful attention to whether she's on or off the clock. She dutifully gives Billy all his messages – she doesn't let a little thing like him being too busy to pay very close attention to them get in her way. She all but lives at her desk in the hall, watching her soaps on her portable TV, or doing her nails, or reading assorted magazines.

She's interested and kind, though she seems to operate on a different wavelength than the people around her. When she wants something she goes after it doggedly, like selling dozens of company picnic tickets to win the trip to Hawaii. She reads horoscopes and used a Ouija board when the phones weren’t working.


Miss Nance is always decked out in wild outfits, with accessories in her pale blond, frizzy hair. She wears earrings (often woefully mismatched) and occasionally other jewelry, and has painted nails. She carries a purse, and wears high heels and hose. She wears a pair of prescription glasses.


  • She played the lottery and won $5000.
  • She owns a dog.
  • She's on the staff basketball team, the H.I.T. Beakers.
  • She did the make-up job for Nikolai when he needed to be disguised from the KGB, using techniques she picked up when she dated KISS.
  • At the time Billy was in jail over the mix-up with the blender, she had worked for him for exactly 788 days, not including legal holidays, plus the two weeks paid vacation required by her union.
  • She habitually chews gum.


Herb    Alt Miss Nance    Humanidyne & H.I.T.


Miss Nance: First call was from a man who says he sprouts fish scales every time he goes swimming.


Miss Nance: Doctor Hayes? The Elastic Man called to tell you his wife gave birth to a bouncing baby boy.


Miss Nance: Doctor Hayes, I called Las Vegas. They'll cash the chips.


Miss Nance: Doctor Hayes, I'm going to lunch. The Human Fly showed up early, so I told him to wait ten minutes and give you a buzz.


Miss Nance: Mr. Stetmeyer? Mr. Runeski in bookkeeping just called looking for you. Something about thirty thousand dollars worth of staples.


Billy: "Hawkman's training table tips"? "Great Gordo takes a child bride"? Miss Nance, this is beneath trash.

Miss Nance: Well, these are real people with—with real stories. I mean, they're very popular.

Billy: Miss Nance, let me explain a little something to you. The plague was real, and very popular.

Miss Nance: Oh. "The Plague". What a great name. Did you ever see him wrestle?


Miss Nance: The company put in new phones today, the line doesn't work.

Billy: Then why don't you call 'em and get it fixed?

Miss Nance: I can't. The phone doesn't work.


Miss Nance: This is an emergency, Dr. Hayes. I'm several minutes late for lunch.


Miss Nance: I wish they wouldn't deliver during lunch.


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